Tổng Hợp Truyện Cười Ngắn Về Tình Yêu Học Sinh


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Cười Thả Phanh – Xin gửi tới anh em bạn đọc Tổng Hợp Truyện Cười Ngắn Về Tình Yêu Học Sinh Hay Nhất 2017. Rất mong nhận được sự ủng hộ to lớn



Không bẩn

– Lan: Này Vi, em rửa bát đũa kiểu gì mà dính đầy mỡ vậy hả? Bẩn quá!

– Vi: Đâu có bẩn hả chị. Nó là xà phòng chứ đâu phải mỡ!

– Lan: Trời?!



Bức thư tình đầu tiên

Em!

Đây là câu đầu tiên anh viết dành cho em. Kế đến, anh viết cho em câu thứ hai. Anh muốn nói với em rằng, câu này anh viết đã là câu thứ ba rồi đó!

Em à, em có biết câu em đang đọc đã là câu thứ tư rồi không? Vậy mà anh vẫn không thể bắt đầu câu chuyện ở câu thứ năm này. Anh hy vọng sẽ nói được điều muốn nói với em ở câu thứ sáu, nhưng sao thấy khó mở lời quá, hẹn em ở câu thứ bảy nha. Mà thôi, đợi thư xuống dòng, anh sẽ tâm sự với em được nhiều hơn.

Em ơi, em có biết giờ đã là câu thứ mấy rồi không? Anh dạo này trí nhớ kém quá nên không thể đếm nhiều được. Nếu anh không nhầm thì đã là câu thứ mười rồi. Nếu đúng thế thì khi anh chấm hết câu này cũng là lúc anh chuyển sang câu thứ mười hai rồi đó. Anh dự định sẽ nói điều muốn nói ra ở đây, nhưng cứ sợ em không đủ bình tĩnh, nên anh đành để nó ở câu sau nữa.

Em à! Em vẫn đang đọc bức thư của anh đó chứ? Điều anh muốn nói với em là hãy kiên nhẫn đọc câu kế tiếp. Cũng sắp hết giấy rồi nên anh sẽ nói ngay thôi. Nếu em vẫn tin anh, hãy đọc thêm câu này nữa. Anh không muốn làm mất thêm thời gian của em, nên anh sẽ cho em biết ngay bây giờ. Em à, anh muốn nói là… là… em hãy đọc lại lá thư này và trả lời anh ngay, em nhé!

Rất mong thư của em!



Tình yêu lâu dài

Trong một cuộc phỏng vấn những cặp vợ chồng hạnh phúc tiêu biểu, phóng viên hỏi:

– Có đúng là cuộc tình của anh chị kéo dài đến 15 năm mới đi đến hôn nhân?

– Đúng thế. Chúng tôi yêu nhau chính xác là 15 năm 2 tháng 1 ngày.

– Anh chị làm gì trong thời gian chờ đợi ấy?

– Chúng tôi đều lập gia đình riêng!



Ba chủ đề trong buổi hẹn hò

Một chàng trai lần đầu tiên hò hẹn với bạn gái, không biết sẽ nói chuyện gì, cậu ta hỏi ý kiến người cha và nhận được lời khuyên:

– Có ba chủ đề luôn hiệu quả: thức ăn, gia đình và triết lý sống.

– Họ gặp nhau, sau vài phút im lặng khó nói, cậu ta vào đề: Em có thích rau dền không?

– Không! Cô gái đáp và ngồi thừ ra.

– Lúng túng, cậu dùng đến chủ đề thứ hai: Em có anh trai không?

– Cô gái đáp và càng trở nên khép kín: Không!

– Chàng trai đã bắt đầu tuyệt vọng, sau khi suy nghĩ rất mông lung, cậu ta khai thác chủ đề cuối cùng: Nếu em có anh trai liệu anh ấy có thích rau dền không nhỉ?



Cấm mày dùng…

Một cậu bé rất thích ăn trứng, sáng ăn trứng, trưa trứng rồi tối lại trứng. Bố mẹ cậu thấy lo lắng, tìm mọi cách làm cho cậu chán trứng nhưng không có tác dụng.

Một hôm, mẹ cậu lấy lốp cao su thái nhỏ bỏ vào chảo trứng chiên để cậu không nuốt được. Nhưng cậu bé vẫn cố ăn hết thật nhanh. Ăn xong cậu phi ngay ra sân, túm lấy cổ con gà trống lắc lắc và hét:

– Lần sau tao cấm mày dùng… bao cao su nghe chưa!



Bữa ăn ngon…

Nàng mời chàng cứ cuối tuần sang nhà trọ của nàng ăn cơm chung.

Rồi một hôm, nàng khuyên nhủ chàng:

“Từ nay, anh hãy bớt hút thuốc lá đi, chỉ hút một điếu sau bũa ăn ngon do em nấu nhé”

Chàng thở dài: Thế tức là em bảo anh bỏ thuốc luôn rồi còn gì.



Thất vọng

Một thời gian sau khi có vợ, anh nhân viên nọ buồn rầu than thở với đồng nghiệp:

– Trước khi cưới, mình hi vọng cô ấy sẽ là một thủ môn giỏi, trấn giữ khung thành gia đình, nhưng đến bây giờ mình hoàn toàn thất vọng…

Một đồng nghiệp ái ngại hỏi:

– Vợ cậu tệ lắm phải không?

– Cổ chẳng chịu làm thủ môn mà chỉ đòi làm huấn luyện viên!

!!!!!!!



Chuyện tình 20 năm

Nửa đêm, người vợ thức giấc. Không thấy chồng nằm bên cạnh, nàng liền khoác váy ngủ lên người, đi xuống tầng dưới và thấy chồng đang ngồi bên ly cà phê, vẻ mặt trầm tư, ánh mắt hướng về nơi vô định, thỉnh thoảng lại lặng lẽ lau nước mắt.

– Có chuyện gì không ổn hả mình? – Nàng hỏi – Sao mình lại xuống đây ngồi giữa đêm hôm khuya khoắt thế này?

Chàng trả lời bằng một câu hỏi:

– Em có nhớ cái ngày chúng mình hò hẹn nhau cách đây 20 năm không, ngày em tròn 16 tuổi ấy?

– Dạ, có! – Nàng đáp.

– Thế em có nhớ lúc ba em bắt quả tang chúng mình đang tình tự không? – Chàng hỏi tiếp.

– Có, em nhớ chứ! – Nàng thẽ thọt.

– Em có nhớ gương mặt ba khi chĩa súng vào mặt anh và gầm lên: “Mày chọn lấy con gái tao hay chọn ở tù 20 năm?”

– Dạ, em vẫn nhớ!

Một lần nữa, chàng lau nước mắt trên gò má rồi cất giọng âu sầu:

– Em biết không, lẽ ra hôm nay là ngày anh được ra tù đấy.



Bị oan

Nhân dịp nghỉ hè, Robert và Raymond cùng nhau đi leo núi. Khi họ đến nơi thì xảy ra một cơn bão, hai người đành tìm chỗ trú tại một biệt thự lớn. Chủ nhân ngôi nhà, một phụ nữ xinh đẹp, nói rằng họ chỉ có thể qua đêm trong nhà kho ngoài vườn, vì cô đang chịu tang chồng. Chín tháng sau, Robert gọi điện cho Raymond:

– Raymond này, anh có còn nhớ cái đêm mà chúng ta buộc phải ngủ trong nhà kho không?

– Nhớ, rồi sao?

– Anh có còn nhớ nữ chủ nhân xinh đẹp của tòa biệt thự lớn?

– Nhớ chứ…

– Anh có còn nhờ là đêm hôm đó, khi tôi đang ngủ thì anh lén đột nhập vào phòng cô ấy không?

– Nhớ… Raymond hạ giọng lo lắng.

– Để tránh tai tiếng, anh đã lấy tên và địa chỉ của tôi để tự giới thiệu với cô ấy?

– Có lẽ… mình nên xin lỗi cậu. Đầu dây bên kia ngập ngừng.

– Không, tôi phải cảm ơn anh, vì cô ấy vừa từ trần và để lại cho tôi tòa nhà cùng 10 triệu đôla!

– !!!



Hiểu nhầm

Anh chàng nọ lại mắc phải tính hay run rẩy nói lắp. Chàng yêu một cô gái khá xinh đẹp và vui tính. Đến lúc tỏ tình, chàng lấy hết tinh thần, thổ lộ với nàng:

– Anh … anh yêu… yêu em… em.

– Thế thì để anh ấy nói chuyện đó với nó.

– Ồ không, xin lỗi, anh… anh yêu em.

– Thế thì để anh ta nói với em.

– Không, anh muốn nói: Anh yêu em… em.

– Vậy thì anh đi mà nói với nó.

– !!!



Giảm cơn giận..

Chồng: – Khi anh nổi điên lên với em, em không bao giờ cãi lại. Làm cách nào mà em kiềm chế sự tức giận của mình vậy?

Vợ: – Em đi cọ bệ xí.

Chồng:- Thế làm sao mà giảm cơn giận hiệu quả được nhỉ?

Vợ: – Thì… em sử dụng bàn chải đánh răng của anh…



Lợi ích của Vodka

Một cảnh sát giao thông chặn chiếc xe chở 3 người và kiểm tra nồng độ cồn trong máu tài xế. Kết quả: Vượt mức cho phép.

– Máy thử này hỏng rồi – Gã tài xế gào lên – Vợ tôi chả uống tí rượu nào. Thử kiểm tra cô ấy xem.

Viên cảnh sát đồng ý, nhưng kết quả tương tự.

– Thấy chưa? Rõ ràng nó đã hỏng!

– Không, vợ anh chắc chắn cũng uống rượu. – Viên cảnh sát đáp lại.

– Vậy thì kiểm tra thằng con trai tôi đi. Chắc chắn là trẻ con không uống rượu.

Cặp vợ chồng đánh thức thằng bé dậy để anh chàng cảnh sát kiểm tra. Một lần nữa cái máy lại chỉ ra nồng độ cồn trong máu đứa bé vượt mức cho phép.

– Thấy chưa? Máy hỏng ! – Gã chồng đắc thắng.

Viên cảnh sát rối rít xin lỗi cặp vợ chồng và để cho họ đi. Gã chồng sướng quá quay sang bà vợ:

– Thế mà cứ toáng lên là đừng cho trẻ con uống Vodka. Đấy, cứ kêu là không có lợi gì đi!



Lịch sự

AD đang nói chuyện với DR

– AD (nam): Tôi biết bà rất lịch sự trên xe buýt!

DR(nữ) (vui vẻ) : Vậy hả?

– AD: Ý tôi nói là khi bà đứng lên nhường chỗ cho người già thì ít nhất cũng phải có ba bà lão ngồi lên đủ vị trí của bà vừa ngồi

– DR: (lấy guốc phang)



Vâng dạ…

Anh chồng đứng giữa nhà, mắt trợn ngược như Trương Phi, tay chống nạnh, miệng quát ầm ầm:

– Cô không bỏ thói bắt nạt chồng thì tôi đuổi về nhà ngoại ngay đấy, rõ chưa?

– Dạ!
– Ngay từ tối nay tôi sẽ thường xuyên đi nhậu với bạn bè, khi tôi về nhà say khướt thì cũng không được cằn nhằn…

– Dạ!

– Còn phải giúp tôi cởi áo, xoa dầu và an ủi tôi rằng cần phải rèn luyện, phải uống nhiều hơn nữa cho bằng anh bằng em.

– Dạ!

– Riêng tiền lương, tôi thích đưa bao nhiêu thì đưa, không đưa cũng phải mỉm cười duyên dáng.

– Dạ!

– Nếu có cô nào gọi điện mà không có tôi ở nhà thì phải trả lời dịu dàng, và nhẹ nhàng thông báo ngay khi tôi vừa về nhà.

– Dạ!

– Còn việc nhà thì tự cô phải…

– (Tiếng gào từ ngoài sân) Anh ở nhà làm cái quái gì mà để quần áo đang phơi bay hết xuống đất thế này? Được ngày chủ nhật lại nằm ườn ra đấy phải không?

Anh chồng hoảng hốt tắt đài, tháo cái băng cát-sét ghi toàn tiếng “dạ” của vợ ra rồi lập cập nhét ngay vào gầm ghế, miệng lẩm bẩm: “Sao sư tử về sớm thế?”.



Sẽ chỉ yêu ai?

Một chàng trai soạn e-mail:

– “Em thân yêu của anh, nhớ em nhiều lắm, cuối tuần này đi nghỉ cùng anh nhé! Chúng mình sẽ có 2 ngày tuyệt vời bên nhau. Anh sẽ yêu em, yêu em nữa, và chỉ yêu em thôi!”.

– Xong xuôi, anh ta tự nhủ: Mình save bức thư lại, sẽ rất thuận lợi cho sau này. Rắc rối ở chỗ là chọn địa chỉ nào để gửi đi. Tuần trước cặp với Julia rồi, tuần tới không biết nên rủ Anne hay Cathy?



Cũng chịu thôi

Một cô gái lên chùa cầu khấn:

– Lạy Thánh mớ bái, xin ngài ban cho con lấy được người chồng: một là vô cùng giàu có, hai là có quyền cao chức trọng, ba là vừa trẻ vừa đẹp trai, bốn là vô cùng chung thuỷ với con.

– Thánh mỉm cười trả lời: Ba điều trên con xin, ta đều có thể ban cho, nhưng đã có ba điều ấy mà con lại xin kèm theo điều thứ tư là sự chung thuỷ của anh ta thì đến ta là Thánh cũng chịu.



Không để mắt tới

– Lan: Sao mỗi lần tớ mở đĩa nhạc cậu lại nhắm mắt vào?

– Hồng: Vì tớ hứa là sẽ không để mắt tới nó nữa với mẹ tớ rồi!

– Lan: ???



Nguyên nhân

– MD (ba hoa):Lúc sáng ở phố tôi có động đất đấy

– TVH: Nói dóc, lúc sáng tôi đi ngang có thấy gì đâu!

– MD: À! Bây giờ thì tôi biết nguyên nhân do đâu rồi

– TVH: (Xách dép)



Chờ lâu

Có một cô gái ưng một ông già góa vợ. Lấy nhau được 7 năm thì cụ già mất. Theo giấy mời, cô đến tòa án để nghe đọc bản thừa kế tài sản theo di chúc của chồng

Cô chờ hơn 1 tiếng đồng hồ mới được gọi vào làm việc. Vị cán bộ tòa án ôn tồn nói:

– Xin lỗi, cô chờ lâu lắm rồi phải không?

– Vâng! Tôi đã chờ 7 năm nay rồi!



Ngày cưới … đừng vội…

Đôi uyên ương nọ quyết định sẽ thuê một phòng hạng sang tại một khách sạn cao tầng cho đêm tân hôn. Khi đến trước quầy lễ tân, anh chồng hồ hởi nói:

– Chúng tôi đến nhận phòng. Tôi đã đặt một phòng tân hôn tại tầng 35.

– Vâng! Đây là chìa khóa phòng – Cô lễ tân vừa nói vừa đưa chìa khóa cho người vợ – Chúc anh chị một đêm hạnh phúc! Anh chồng chưa kịp đợi hết câu đã bế thốc cô vợ mới cưới trên tay một cách rất sành điệu và đi về phía thang máy. Cô dâu mới cũng tỏ ra ngất ngây vì hạnh phúc.

Nhưng thang máy đông người chờ quá, anh chồng trẻ bế vợ chạy cầu thang bộ. Khi thang máy đi đến tầng 15, cô vợ chợt nói:

– Anh yêu này! Em có điều cần nói với anh…

– Kìa em! – Anh chồng âu yếm – Đừng nói gì hết, hãy ôm hôn anh đi!

Anh chồng vẫn bế vợ tiếp tục cất bước đi từng tầng. Khi lên đến tầng 25, cô vợ lại nói:

– Anh yêu ơi! Em phải nói điều này với anh thôi!

– Đừng thế em! Mọi chuyện với anh lúc này đều vô nghĩa. Chỉ cần em hãy ôm anh thôi – Chú rể vừa nói vừa ghì chặt cô dâu vào vòng tay khao khát.

Cuối cùng, dù bước chân của anh chồng đã chao đảo thì cũng lên tầng 35. Hai người tới trước cửa phòng. Anh chồng thều thào:

– Em yêu, đưa chìa khóa phòng cho anh nào!

– Đó chính là điều hồi nãy em muốn nói với anh đấy! Lúc ở dưới quầy lễ tân anh bế em nhanh quá nên em chưa kịp cầm chìa khóa phòng.



Khiếm khuyết duy nhất

– Anh yêu, anh có bao giờ hút thuốc không vậy?

– Không, anh ghét nhất là mấy ống khói ấy.

– Anh không uống rượu chứ?

– Ừh, một giọt cũng không.

– Anh có lăng nhăng đa tình không?

– Làm sao có chuyện đó được chứ! Anh chỉ yêu mình em thôi.

– Anh sẽ thương em mãi và không bao giờ thay đổi chứ?

– Tất nhiên. Anh là người chung thủy mà.

– Ôi, em hạnh phúc quá! Anh quả là người hoàn hảo! Em sẽ đăng ký hồ sơ cho anh thi Hoa Hậu Quý Chồng nhé!? Chắc chắn anh sẽ đạt giải nhất đó!

– Ừa. Nhưng em nhớ ghi thêm phần khuyết điểm là: “Thỉnh thoảng có hay bốc phét” nhé em yêu!



Kinh nghiệm

Cô gái nọ tỉ tê với mẹ:

– Mẹ ơi! Cái anh chàng ở đầu phố hễ thấy con đi đâu là lẵng nhẵng bám theo khiến con rất bực mình!

– Bà mẹ liền đáp:

– Lần sau, muốn khỏi bị quấy rầy, con hãy rẽ vào một quầy hàng nữ trang nào đó!



Dằn mặt

– Đôi khi cơm nguội của nhà này lại là món đặc sản của nhà khác.

– Ý ông là sao tôi không hiểu?

– Thế ông có thích một người đàn bà ngu ngốc hay không?

– Dĩ nhiên là không!

– Thế ông có thích một người đàn bà hút thuốc, uống rượu không?

– Không!

– Thế còn những bà không biết nấu ăn?

– Không!

– Vậy còn mấy bà dữ như chằn lửa?

– Không nốt!

– Thế sao ông lại đi ve vãn vợ tôi



Hoãn thế nào…

Ông nọ có cô “con gái rượu”, không hiểu sao chẳng có gã trai làng nào đến cưa cả, mãi mới thấy có nhà ông bà là bạn cũ đến mai mối cho con trai. Sắp đến ngày cưới, hôm nay chàng rể tương lai đến chơi.

Trong lúc nhấp chén trà trò chuyện, thấy “ông” con rể tương lai nói đến chuyện cưới xin, ông bèn tranh thủ dặn dò cẩn thận:

– Con gái bác, cháu ở xa nên chưa hiểu đấy thôi, nó là con gái út trong nhà.

– Dạ, việc này cháu biết!

– Ý bác là sau này cháu cũng nên chiều nó một tí.

– Cái này cháu làm được ạ!

– Ngoài ra, nó vốn là đứa ăn ít, nhưng mà bù lại nó… ngủ rất nhiều, ngủ từ chập tối đến lúc mặt trời quá ngọn tre mới dậy.

– Vâng!

– Mà đặc biệt là khi ngủ lại hay ngáy to, nghiến răng ken két, chó mèo cũng phải sợ. Cháu cũng nên thông cảm…

– Dạ, cháu hiểu! – Anh con rể tương lai đáp.

– À, mà còn chuyện này nữa: Nó đi đứng cũng không được nhẹ nhàng cho lắm, nhiều lúc cứ bước huỳnh huỵch, có khi… rung cả nhà cả cửa ấy.

– Dạ, cháu đã thấy rồi ạ!

– Hơn nữa, nó còn có khuyết điểm nhỏ là giống tính bác.

– Giống thế nào ạ?

– Ấy là cứ mỗi lần… uống bia rượu vào là lại hay to tiếng, cáu gắt nhặng xị ngậu lên, nhiều lúc đập phá đồ đạc. Cho nên cháu cũng phải hiểu để mà…

– Dạ! Chính về đặc điểm này, hôm qua cháu và gia đình mới được biết, nên hôm nay bố mẹ cháu cho cháu sang thưa chuyện với hai bác.

– Sao cháu?

– Xin phép cho cháu được hoãn đám cưới lại…

– Hoãn à? Không vấn đề gì. Thế cháu và gia đình định hoãn đến bao giờ vậy?

– Dạ! Hoãn… vĩnh viễn bác



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