Truyện Cổ Tích Cây Khế Chế Siêu Bựa

Ngày xửa ngày xưa, xưa lắm… để anh kể về cái xưa của nó. Nó xưa đến cái mức mà ông cố nội của anh kể lại cho ông nội anh nghe hồi thế kỉ 19 (sau này anh tìm được cuốn băng ghi âm buổi kể chuyện ấy) ông cũng đã bắt đầu bằng “Ngày xửa ngày xưa…”

Anh nhắc lại lần nữa là xưa lắm rồi. Ở một làng nọ có một gia đình khá giả. Nhà có hai anh em trai, mặc dù là người Việt Nam chính cống nhưng ông bà lại sính ngoại nên đặt tên một đứa là: Luân Đôn đứa còn lại gọi là Sinh Tơn. Một ngày xấu giời nọ hai ông bà lên hứng hồi xuân, rủ nhau lên đồi ôn lại “chuyện của chúng mình” Chẳng may hôm ấy có con hổ cụt chân đói quá mò về làng, đi ngang qua đồi, thấy hai cục thịt béo đang hú hí, ngứa mặt nó xơi béng mất. Đôn và Tơn kể từ ngày ấy được nhà trường miễn giảm học phí vì là trẻ mồ côi.

Thằng Tơn là thằng anh, tính tình không khác gì mấy thằng USA gian ngoan, xảo quyệt và thâm độc, còn thằng Đôn thì ngược lại, ngoan ngoãn hiền lành và Galant không khác gì một quý ông người England. Thấm thoắt đã mấy lần chủ tịch nước đọc điện mừng Xuân trên tivi. Đôn và Tơn cũng đã trên 18 tuổi bắt đầu tò mò các trang Liên Xô chấm Mỹ, thienbong.com, thienthai.net … nên bàn nhau chia tài sản để ra riêng cho thoải mái, dạo đó chưa có Luật Sư để chia tài sản hai ông bà để lại nên hai anh em tự phân chia. Để công bằng, hai anh em mua bộ bài về oánh. Mỗi lần thắng là được lấy một thứ trong nhà. Vốn gian xảo có thừa lại hay đú theo bọn trai làng đi đánh bạc các dịp Tết, Tơn nó làm bài thắng hết của cải trong nhà. Cuối cùng, đỏ cho Đôn, ván cuối bốc bài lên có đủ 3 phỏm ù luôn nên được một mảnh đất nhỏ ngoài đê, trên đó có một căn nhà cấp 4 xuống cấp và khu vườn có một cây Quất Quảng Bá rất là sai quả.

Tơn sau đận ấy giàu to, nó bán đất mặt đường cho nước ngoài xây nhà nghỉ. Tiền như quân Nguyên, gái gú bia rượu cả ngày, sống như ông Vua con trong làng vậy. Còn phần Đôn, nhờ chăm chỉ đánh máy thuê với cả ghi lô đề cho chủ nên cũng chộp giật sống qua ngày được. Mỗi tội gái làng nó không thèm để ý vì không có tương lai gì. Đôn buồn lắm.

Chủ nhật ấy, đang dạo trong vườn nghĩ mưu cưa con ông chột đầu làng thì Đôn thấy có con chim to vật vã đang xực liên tục mấy quả đầu mùa chỗ cây Quất của chàng. Bực mình chàng vào xách con Rựa lâu nay thủ trong nhà, rón ra rón rén chạy lại chụp ngang cổ con chim, kề dao vào cổ chim chàng rít qua kẽ răng: “Chết cha mày, cây Quất ông mày trồng để Tết bán lấy tiền mua pháo hoa mà mày dám phá à, bó thịt!” Chim sợ vãi cả đ…, phều phào kêu “Ăn một quả giả cục vàng, may túi 3 gang, mang đi mà đựng”. Rợn hết cả óc gáy, phim kinh dị Đôn xem cũng nhiều nhưng giờ mới thấy chim biết nói tiếng người, cho là sự lạ, lòng Đôn cũng nguôi giận, nhưng để chắc ăn chàng còn dứ thêm một câu “Được rồi, cho mày về, mai không qua chở ông đi lấy vàng ông tỉa chết con cụ mày!” Chim dạ vâng rối rít rồi bay mất hút. Đôn bần thần quay vào nhà…

Sáng hôm sau chờ mỏi cả cổ không thấy chim cò đâu, Đôn lầm bầm tự rủa “Mình ngu như Lợn, đến thằng anh mình nó còn lừa cả mình, nói dek gì đến Chim chóc”. Định bụng ra ngõ làm đĩa bún đậu mắm tôm thì bất thình lình Đôn thấy chim bay đến. Đôn cả mừng, xắn xuýt xun xoe đến hỏi chim:

– Định cho tao leo cây hay sao mà lâu thế, con Vợ?

– Đang điên hết cả đầu đây này, lắm mồm thế! Nãy bay ngang quán cà phê, có thằng nào hút xì gà thơm nức mũi, mình đang phê nhắm mắt bay, dính bố nó vào dây điện thằng chết dẫm nào căng ngang đường, tí chết.

– Hề hề – Đôn hềnh hệch cười – Tớ biết đâu được í. Mà thôi, mình đi nhở.

– Mang túi đi chưa?

– Rồi, tối qua cắt hai cái ống quần cũ may rồi, vừa thành cái túi vừa có cái quần Ngố, trông cũng được, tí về tao mặc cho mà xem.

Đôn leo lên lưng chim ngồi, chim nói:

– Chuyến bay bắt đầu khởi hành đến mỏ vàng, đề nghị quý khách thắt dây an toàn. Không hút thuốc trên lưng chim kẻo cháy lông.

– Bố ông, rỗi hơi à!

Chim cười:

– Lúc sáng cũng làm đôi quai, giờ hơi máu tí, thông cảm đê.

Đôn thò tay vào túi quần, móc ra hai quả cam xã Đoài tọng hẳn vào mồm chim, vừa nói:

– Ăn đi rồi lướt.

Chim nuốt vội tí nghẹn, rùng mình cất cánh bay lên. Qua Vịnh bắc Bộ rồi qua Đảo trường sa Chim bay vào một khu vực sương mù dày đặc, tầm nhìn giảm xuống dưới 1km, sức gió mạnh cấp 10, cấp 11 giật lên cấp 12 khi chiều tối, biển dộng dữ dội. Dự báo trong 24 h tới… (quên, đây là dự báo thời tiết hôm qua, he he ). Bất thình lình hạ cánh đột ngột xuống một hòn đảo hoang vu. Trên đảo vàng nhiều không kể xiết. Toàn loại 4 số 9 từng cục từng cụ to thôi rồi. Căn bản là cũng thích nhưng vì không tham lắm nên Đôn cũng chỉ lấy đâu khoảng dăm yến rồi lên lưng chim quay về.

Khi trở về, Đôn nhảy ngay lên Công ty vàng bạc đá quý đổi vàng lấy tiền mặt. Qua Nokia mua 2 con 9900 đời mới nhất thời bấy giờ. Tặng con chim một cái còn dặn thêm:

– Bao giờ tao nháy, mày qua chỗ tao ăn Quất rồi chở tao đi nữa nhá!

Chim lặng lẽ gật đầu rồi thở dài. Nghĩ thầm, bố mày mà là người bố mày mua cả cái vườn Quất Quảng bá chứ tội gì cho mày hưởng lợi. Đoạn bay đi đâu không rõ.

Tin Đôn được chim thần giúp đỡ, nay giàu có hơn cả BillGate nhanh chóng lan đến tai của Tơn. Hắn tức lắm. Rắp tâm lừa Đôn thêm quả nữa mới đành lòng…

truyen-cay-khe-che

Một ngày nọ… hình như là Chủ Nhật hay sao đó, thằng Tơn qua chỗ nhà Đôn. Chả vòng vo gì cả hắn vào thẳng vấn đề giọng ngọt như mía:

– Chú Đôn này, lâu nay anh cứ canh cánh trong lòng chuyện đối xử tệ bạc với chú. Nay, anh cũng có tuổi rồi, chỉ thích vui thú điền viên. Anh dành lại cho chú tất cả, chú về chăm nom bàn thở tổ tiên hộ anh. Còn anh ra đây sống nốt quãng đời còn lại.

Đôn nghe và ngẫm nghĩ:

– Nó nói nghe cũng ngọt. Dù gì thì nó cũng thích cây Quất của mình, cho nó thì chả mất đi đâu, mình giàu phết rồi, bây giờ có thêm mấy cái Vila sống đến già cũng chẳng hết tiền. Còn ở đây với cây Quất, nhỡ con chim dở hơi không đến nữa thì cũng thế.

Xong xuôi, Đôn gật đầu đồng ý.

Tơn mừng nhảy cẫng lên, va cái độp vào cái đèn hoa kỳ, dầu tưới xuống, bắt lửa, đầu cháy không còn một cọng tóc. Nhưng vẫn cười hớn hở, lấy con D410 gọi ngay Thành Hưng chuyển đồ đến ở luôn. Càng tiện, chuyến về thì thằng Đôn cũng chuyển sang nhà Tơn ở hẳn.

Nhờ xin được số Mobile của chim thần, sáng thứ Hai Tơn gọi ngay cho chim. Vừa lúc chim đang thèm Quất, thế là bay đến. Tưởng là quen biết rồi, chim đậu xuống phát là chén quất ngay, ai ngờ thằng Tơn nó rình sẵn. Nó phang cho một phát quay cu lơ. Lúc tỉnh dậy thấy mình bị trói gô vào thành giường, chim cả kinh không hiểu chuyện gì xảy ra. Kịp lúc Tơn bước đến, hắn phì phèo điếu Vina, hất hàm nói:

– Con Chó, bây giờ tính sao?

– Sao là thế nào? Đôn đâu? Mà tao là Chim chứ phải chó léo đâu!

– Nó bán lại nhà cho tao rồi, mày ăn Quất phải giả vàng cho tao thì tao mới tha, hiểu chửa?

– À, chuyện nhỏ, thế thì việc dek gì mày trói tao như Lợn thế này, mai may túi ba gang tao đưa đi lấy.

– Đex phải nhắc, anh mua túi đây rồi, đi luôn.

Nói rồi hắn cởi trói cho Chim, cẩn thận leo lên lưng không quên mang theo cái balo 9 túi mới mua 60K ngoài chợ.

Chim chán nản nhưng sợ nó bóp cổ mình nên cũng đưa đến đảo lần trước. Thằng Tơn nhặt đầy một túi, rồi lại găm thêm mấy cục vào người. Chim biết nhưng kệ cha nó, nói với thằng mặt dày này chỉ tổ phí nhời.

Khi quay về, phần vì nặng, phần vì đói, chim vừa bay vừa ngủ gật. Một con Vietnam Airline bay ngang qua, chim không kịp tránh, nó táng cho một phát. Cả chim lẫn Tơn rơi tòm xuống biển, chết mất xác … nghe đâu xác hai đứa dạt vào bãi biển Phukhet của Thái Lan trong trận Sóng Thần vừa rồi…

Còn Đôn đã sống một cuộc đời vương giả từ đó… Chỉ tiếc, vì nhiều tiền, hắn đâm ra chơi bời nghiện ngập. Sau chết vì dùng quá liều thuốc lắc. Nên bằng chứng về chuyện này không ai confirm hộ nữa.

Cười Thả Phanh

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Truyện Cổ Tích Cây Khế Chế Siêu Bựa
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    Maybe you could space it out better?